losing you

I can't lose you. It would ruin my life. I already know this. I knew it the moment you came into my life, as quietly as it may seem. If I lose you, my life loses color, and my world goes grey. My lips stop smiling, and I have to understand a world without you in it. 


I love everything about you. The way way you wear your hair, the way you smile, the way you laugh at the most ridiculous things and can't understand important details that make life come together. I love the way you furrow your brow when you get confused but don't say anything because you think you might figure it out eventually. I love how everyone that comes into your life leaves a stain or an imprint and how you eventually just accept that people come and go. 


I learned to love you through a painstaking process. It took years of looking past your temper, your scandals, your self proclaimed distance to see the warmth and power underneath all of the mistakes and childlike behavior. It took years of learning how to be around you, to finally reach out and touch the untouchable and watch you touch back, warm fingers stretching out to unite as one. 


If I lose you, I would lose myself. I would lose the ability to speak, to sing, to love. I would become catatonic and no one would be able to fix me. 


I lost you once, and my world went sideways. I couldn't eat, I refused to speak, I could barely get out of bed. I became a shell of myself and wouldn't let anyone comfort me. You were so far away, and yet so near. I could touch you, but you flinched and refused to acknowledge that we are a pair. You are nothing without me, and I am nothing without you. It's a push and pull of power to see who can make it to the top, when it should be the both of us combining so that we can sit up there and remember when it was me and you vs us. 


I still hate you sometimes. I wonder how you could let me down, if you were supposed to love me all these years we've been around each other. How you could abandon me and leave me to flounder without a path. You told me you were never really gone, just hiding, but how can someone hide when their other half is in so much pain it hurts to move? Those years of distance, where you were still there, but so busy with other things, I found myself wondering if I would have to live without you after all. You were hidden under so many memories and failed attempts at life, I thought this was the end. 


I love you more though. I love you so much that you lift me up when you smile, and bring me down when you cry. The thought of you crying is what brings me to my knees, because then I am crying. 


I wish you could see how much I love you, and how much we belong together. How if we just came together, everything would be fine. I wouldn't feel like I am on the outside looking in on your strange but busy life. When you start to pull away I could step in and pull you back. When I feel like I did nothing, you could remind me I did something, and to not care what the others may think. We could sink back into paradise and finally the voices in my head would stop telling me how horrible I am. The voices would be you instead. 


Last year we really came together and were in sync, through me being raped by my friend, and a tough break up. We both stood together and watched the world throw bad and good things at us. Then things happened, graduation, the summer, busy schedules, and everything started to fall apart. When I looked at you, you were not the same anymore You were distant, just out of reach, as far as I stretched, as desparately as I clung you started to fade again. I never cried more. 


You started coming back when I begged. You found me sobbing, you picked me up and assured me that no matter how far we strayed, we would always be close. But I don't think you understand. I don't think you get it. You must get it, but at the same time you don't. I lost you before because I didn't try hard enough. I lost you because I let the world show me exactly what it could do, and it won for awhile. Lately the world has been winning again and I feel like life is nothing and going nowhere. The spark, you, are so lost to me that instead my temper flares up and it scares you away into the dark recesses of my mind to lick your wounds until you can come back stronger and make me back down. 


You have to remind me daily that life takes these twists and turns, sharp ones. Sometimes it goes up, sometimes it goes down. Sometimes I'll be on top of the world, sometimes I'll be on the bottom. But you will always be right there with me, holding my hand. I will be there with you too. You can't have the light without the dark. You can't have the yin without the yang. You can't have me without you. 


If you do feel like disappearing again, leave a note as to when you will be back. 


I hope that you do not go anywhere though. I need you in my life, and I know you need me. You need that balance, and so do I. I hate repeating myself, but here it is. I need all parts of me in order to be whole, so please, don't leave me again. 




(you may think you know what this is about, if we know each other, but if you really read it, you might actually know what it is about, I promise) 

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Comments (1)

  1. dincali

    it’s not a person….i mean it is, but it isn’t. it’s you. and i get you, i really really do, cause i feel that way too; only that part of me, i don’t like…never have, never will, but she’s too ingrained…lol

    May 31, 2017