losing a friend.

My sister once told me that the thing she hates the most about me is, "that you get mad at me so easily," and my response was of course to get angry. I wanted to snap at her that she got mad at me easily. But instead I remembered she was a 16 year old girl, and maybe she had a point. Then I read into it, because I am her older sister and someone she looks up to whether I want to think about it or not. She still calls me Sissi when she is mad or defending me, or just emotional. She still wants me to hold her when a boy breaks her heart, and reassure her that life moves on. She still wants me to reassure her that those fights with her friends will be fine in the next two weeks. 


Sometimes out of the blue she approaches me in this mouse voice, and looks at me with those beautiful eyes, the most beautiful eyes I've seen and goes, "...can we watch movies together tonight?" looking afraid to ask such a simple question and threads her fingers together waiting. I always say yes, no hesitation. Unless I'm leaving for the night, and then I remind her that I'll always be back. 


Someone once asked me how much I loved her, and I equated my love for her to the sun rising, and setting, something that beautiful. Someone asked me how we fight so much and yet I still love her so strongly. I had no logical answer, but to remind them that she was my sister, and not a bad person. 


We grew up together. We both know things about each other that no one else can quite understand. She reigns me in when I get angry, and I just shrug it off when she gets so angry, unless it's at me. 


She gets under my skin like no one else. But when I get mad she gets so weepy, she doesn't want the very little family she possesses to hate her. 


She's the one who taught me to be strong. All of a sudden it was just the two of us and I was considerably older and had to stand up and think for the both of us. Without her, I'm not sure who I would have ended up being. 


She's my sister. Of course we love each other. Siblings usually do (not always) and we're both good people. 


I forget sometimes the life she lived. It was hard. She grew up without her father, and when he was around he was threatening our lives. Her other older sisters both insisted she was horrible and refused to speak to her. She's watched our mother jump from relationship to relationship, and house to house. She craves stability more than I ever did. So of course she responds so strongly to certain things I would never think about. 


She's a good kid. She gets good grades, she cares about people, she has morals. She's a good kid, even if she's a tornado of a person to deal with. I wouldn't ever think of not talking to her because we had a miscommunication or were fighting. The possibility never enen occurs to me because it would be silly. Of course not. 



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