insexperienced

I of all people would consider myself slightly inexperienced at sex (insexperienced). I've only slept with three people, and one of those people was only for 30 seconds before we decided to just give up. I've done sexual acts with five people altogether. Since high school. I am 23 going on 24 now. Up to the person to judge I guess. A lot of my sexual experience comes from casual situations that I tend to jump into before I am ready. 

 

I met my girlfriend because I was to afraid to tell her I liked her, so instead I asked if we could have sex. 

 

There was the guy in high school I liked my senior year, we ended up fooling around for weeks before calling it something. 

 

There was my rebound after Ellie who I basically jumped after a party and that was that. 

 

I always did these things because I felt the need to feel validated, attractive, and get my point across and I had no idea how to do that. I thought sex would earn me love, and this is something most women feel I guess, according to a study done somewhere. It was after my last (brief) sexual partner that I realized I was actually feeling pretty empty and not doing it because I wanted to have sex. Shame was a common feeling. 

 

So I decided no more. I would never have casual sex because I thought people would like me more, or something stupid like that. I wouldn't have sex again for self esteem reasons either. 

 

For the past year, I went out on a few dates. Some of the people are still floating around in my life, we talk occasionally. Nothing physical happened and I started to feel better. I got to know myself and my boundaries, I got to love myself and learn that sex isn't what makes someone a good person. Neither is dating. If someone judges me based on my sexual experience, that is their problem not mine. 

 

But like, I'm human. I sometimes have sexual urges, like most people. So after a lot of debating, I decided to maybe go down the road of casual sex, or more importantly, a one night stand. This is not something I have done as of writing this. I just coordinated it. 

 

It took a lot of debate, because I'm so used to doing this for different reasons and I had to make sure that if I did this, I was doing it simply because I wanted to have sex, not because I thought it would help my self esteem or something stupid. 

 

Then I started talking to someone, a nice enough person. We agreed it could work. It's not someone I'm super close too, or who I see regularly. It's just a nice aqquaintance. We have no mutual friends. It would be clean. 

 

Then we talked more. See, one of the things I learned when going into these situations is to be honest about sex in general. Even if it is just supposed to be a one time thing. STD testing, sexual preference, boundaries, sometimes sexual history does come into play depending on the situation. I always tell the person I am about to sexually engage that I was assaulted by a previous partner and that I honestly have no idea how that could affect my sexual relations. 

 

So this person, who we can call Q finally admits something. 

 

What he admitted shook me, I'll be honest. 

 

Now I don't want to sleep with him, because he sounds like me. The casual relationships and using sex as a tool to feel better. 

 

I don't want to be responsible for another persons emotional downfall, after having sex. I don't trust that this person has the emotional maturity to do this, and I don't have the emotional maturity to help them after. 

 

Also, someone I barely know has requested my help with dating and they are very inexperienced and I laughed at them, so that part of me will always be immature. 

 

Thank you. 

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