Dear John (update)

First off, here is a letter I wrote you five years ago, a few months after we officially ended things and it was all just really bad. 

(all in italics) 


"But you didn't have to cut me off.... Make it out like it never happened and that we were nothing, and I don't even need your love. But you treat me like a stranger and I feel so rough."-Gotye "Somebody That I Used To Know "


If I could I would look at you and say this but you will not even look at me in public anymore, as if I meant nothing to you. I guess I never did, and I know I should forget all about you and the bad things you did to me. You treated me like I was just a piece of meat, not a sensitive 16 yr old girl. I trusted you at first, because you knew exactly what to say to me. First you acted smart and you talked about things we had in common.

I remember that dance we went to where when the last slow song came on you pulled me into your arms. The song was so long, 8 minutes at least. We were in another world for those 8 minutes. Not all songs are 8 minutes but I know this one is because I have looked it up many times since. I will always remember this song because when it ended you looked at me, then you kissed me. It was my first kiss and I was so shocked that we stood there in the almost empty dance room (a theatre actually) with the dim lights surrounding us and you stared at me.

I am not sure what has happened since this night. Since we had a real connection then all of a sudden the other girl caught your eye, every time. We had so many other run ins since then. I am glad we are over, because I would not trade my girlfriend in for anyone else. But like the quote above, you didn't have to cut me off. All I did was try to be a good person to you and give you what you wanted, I was such a puppy dog and you enjoyed it.

That summer you saw me, and you were there for me physically. All the things I wanted to try you were there...but you had a girlfriend the whole time... Then you sweet talked me again and I was foolish enough to fall for you...and you threatened me. Literally threatened me...and I was stupid to do all this. Just for you, thank goodness Nikki was there to pick me up, and I picked her up from a person just like you John.

I am totally over you, and I never look at your facebook anymore. I just listen to that song every now and then to remember the feeling of thinking someone could not alter you in such horrible ways like this.


*on another note my dad totally rocked out to the song awhile after my first kiss... and ruined the memory a bit, now all I can think of is my dad's long arms flailing around... :)


Now here is my updated version. 


Dear John, 


I used to think bad things about you. When you started talking to me again a couple years ago, coming out of what you said was an abusive relationship I was angry and hesitant. You told me you missed our conversations and that I was the only person you knew who actually tried to get to know you beyond the surface. I decided you were lying about all of it. Our conversations were frequent (as always) but dangerous. I was convinced my girlfriend at the time was the best thing to ever happen, but the more you talked about your abusive ex, the more she sounded like the person I was dating. So talking to you was difficult, never easy. It was like a mirror came up to stare me in the face. 


Then of course there was the fact that I still hated you for everything you had done to me in high school. You didn't acknowledge it and I barely spoke to you. But then when I started to talk about what I wanted to do with my future, you said something like, "are you sure you can handle being a social worker? that is really hard work," and that's when I flipped out. 


We got into this horrible fight, I brought up the past and told you to not seek me out again, even if you needed help. Then finally, I blocked you. 


The past just seemed to catch up to me, unprocessed feelings and a harsh reminder that apparently even though I had moved on from you, I had fallen into the arms of someone much worse, and more vindictive. I hated myself. I hated what I had done. I hated you for calling it into question, because that's what you did. You said I defended my relationship too much, you saw that I was on tinder, you just asked all of these questions that drove home how wrong my life was. 


Shortly after that, my ex and I had a nasty falling out and I felt bad. I messaged your old number, it wasn't yours anymore. It turns out while I broke free of my nasty relationship, you fell right back into yours and was sucked into something that would chew you up and spit you out much later. Much, much later. 


I forgot about you again. You were just some guy who screwed with me in high school, broke my little heart and then disappeared. If I saw you in public, I would turn away. To me, you were still that cold person who had tried their best to make me feel bad. I ended up fooling around with someone, who hurt me beyond words can describe and ironically that is when your little stupid icon popped up on my messenger. 


That's when we actually started talking. Each time I had this sick feeling you would do something to burn me, even if we weren't flirting. Well, you were flirting. You weren't tactful or good at it. Just questioning why I could like someone else, and not you, when you were clearly the better choice. I made fun of you for it, scoffing at you for assuming. Then something happened and I almost ended my life, and you were the person I messaged first. Because you were by your phone. 


I told you I took a bunch of pills, and you told me it would all be okay, and that you were sorry my life came to this. Then I finally messaged my best friend who called school security and they whisked me away to the hospital. None of this had to do with you though. IN FACT. WE STOPPED TALKING. For like a month, and then you popped up again. 


We talked and talked. It just became more frequent. Without realizing it you became someone I considered a close friend, hidden behind feelings of hatred and resentment. 


Then was the night you knew I was going on a date. You told me I was beautiful, not sexy but beautiful. I deleted the message and refused to talk to you for a week or two, until I realized you were dating a good friend of mine. Then of course we talked again, this time you venting to me. 


I am so sorry for what I did next, how rude I was. How I used all the right words and tricked you into thinking I wanted you, and then even convinced you I would show up at your house. If I knew then what I know now, I never would've fucking done it. But I wanted revenge, and I got it. 


"What made you so jaded, Rebecca?" was your final response. 


"You." I think I said, but that's not true. There were other things.  I just wanted vengeance on the guy who threatened to send my nudes out in high school. 


After awhile we just stopped talking. We had a huge fight, and I blocked you on social media. I started to go about my life and didn't really think about you, unless Porsche mentioned you. She did that sometimes, from time to time. She hated you. I think I saw you once after the incident, in an emergency you and Porsche came to get me and you watched me the whole time with your hands in your pockets. I couldn't look at you, I felt bad. 


After that huge fight (or two) and recently, I got a message from you on my work facebook. I intended to ignore it. You only brought trouble. But for some reason I accepted it and started talking to you again. We even friend requested each other (I don't even remember who requested who) and the conversation was easy and seamless. 


Then after a hard day I decided I needed a break, and I went over to your house. I sat in your chair, and you sat across from me and we got high and talked all night. 


Around 1am you asked if you could bring me home, and I looked at the clock and nodded. 


We ran out your door and we were giggling like kids, about stupid stuff. I slid into your car and you brought me all the way home, snorting to keep yourself from laughing. I found myself hating you less as I walked to my door went to bed that night. 


We made plans for the next weekend. It was my fault what happened next. I came on to you. I used all the right words, and you finally went, "AM I READING INTO THIS OR ARE YOU HITTING ON ME," and I told you I was. We made the plans and then the day came, and lo and behold, you tried to cancel. 


"Of course you're cancelling," I said. 


You finally broke down and explained why, because for some reason you fucking trusted me. You told me the sensitive reason and I said it was fine, and I wouldn't judge, because for something like that I WOULD NOT JUDGE. 


I went to your house. We fooled around. I told you how much I hated you for all that you had done to me, but you and I still fooled around. After you held me on your lap and looked at me in horror, like you didn't remember all the bad things that happened. You looked scared... Then you asked me to stay the night. 


I was a little surprised. I had not expected that to happen. I remember we were standing in your room and I was putting my clothes back on, grabbing my phone, so I said yes. I slept in my jeans. 


I remember you creeping into bed and holding me close, and how you asked me back to your house 2 nights later. 


I hadn't planned on doing it again you know. I just planned on showing up once, and then disappearing. I would still be your friend, but honestly my thought process was still of you in high school. The guy who wouldn't talk to me after I fucked him, and would pretend I didn't exist. Boy was I wrong. 


John, I don't hate you. I apologized for the wrong I had done before, and amazingly you did too. 


They say in a FWB type of situation, not to develop feelings. They were WRONG. The more I get to know you, the more I want to be your FRIEND. These feelings are making me see you as a person. With flaws, and feelings. Do you know how important that is? How freeing it is? 


John, you were the one who taught me in high school that men will expect things from me and I should oblige. You were the first one who said to me, "well are you going to get me off, or what? isnt't that what you came here for?" and  you were my first FWB type of relationship. The first person who made me feel obliged to go beyond my limits because it was expected of me. 


From then on sex was always a duty. I enjoyed it sometimes, but even with my ex girlfriend, it was something I had to do in order to get people to like me and stick around. Every partner, no one was nice... 


John, now you're the first person who shows some respect. When we get into the heat of the moment and I freeze up before contemplating what is expected of me next you look at me and ask, "what's wrong?" and take my face in your hands. When I ask you why you would ask that, because no one else has you look horrified, "who have you been sleeping with?" is your next question as you hold me close to you and bury your head in my shoulder. 


It's like a reversal. You know, old habits are hard to shake John. I still have that fear that you won't talk to me if I'm not pleasing you sexually. I get paranoid. I lash out. But then I stop and try to see it from an adult perspective. 


Because the person who talks to me now is not the person I knew back in high school. Gone is the charm and confidence, the intelligence, that swept me off my feet. In it's place is a very different person. Someone who is a little petty, has a temper, and has a dark past. Someone who is also pretty fucking normal. No friends. Someone who's past actions as an immature teenager definitely cost them today. 


We don't have a lot in common. Though you're still smart, it's totally different now. 


I guess, it's cool we're friends. Even when we stop sleeping together (it'll happen eventually) I hope it ends well and that we can remain friends. I forgive you for the past and it's unfair that it defines who you are today because of how many people hate you. I understand that the girl you had that summer was the girl who would drag you through the mud years later and leave you out to dry. I understand your strange fear of monogamy because you went from the player to the one being played, and it hurt. 


I also understand every relationship you had after high school was because someone was using you for something. The first one just wanted a place to stay, and your money, the second one was because she wanted you to take care of her kid, and the third one was because she wanted a place to stay and you were it. 


Thank you for taking me out for my birthday after my family ditched me. Thank you for coming to pick me up when I panicked because of how full the house was, and letting me stay, and offering to let me stay the night. Thank you for letting me sit in your livingroom and work, because I had things to do and you were fine with that. Thank you for holding me as I cried silently in your arms because I turned 24 and my values are shifting and I realized my responsibility is large and daunting because of my mother. Thank you for proving I could trust you and helping me scope out what I will want in the future when I want to settle down. 


I am sorry you can't pull into my driveway. I'm sorry your only response to this, because of my mother was, "well I mean, it's justified, her behavior, after everything I did,"


I'm sorry my ex girlfriend knows what you did, and despite her doing much worse, she still hates you and makes sure to help you out when you are in the store and glares at you. 


I'm sorry. 


But also, thanks. 




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