beauty and sex, I thought you were my friend first.

"I always consider you my friend first," is what you said, after we got done making out in your car, our bodies pressed together to forget the loneliness we both felt. You were stroking my hair, all sweet and intimate and I could smell your deodorant mingled with the sweat from our activities. You nuzzled into my neck and that's when I realized, casual just wouldn't cut it. 


The second time I asked you about it was when I was messaging you on facebook, "you're just my friend first," and then you proceeded to tell me you could never be romantic with me, and then you bought me a gift. 


I was confused. 


Then you told me you could meet my friend, so I knew this was about more than sex. At this point it was about more than sex. We held hands, we went out together, we told each other secrets. But you always told me I was only a friend and you were my friend first. 


You were my friend when I wouldn't put out because I was confused, and told me I was to slow to have sex anyway, look how long I waited, that was pathetic, we should have done it sooner. You were my friend first when you told me we were nothing more than fuck buddies, and that I had no right to be confused. You were my friend when I begged you to stop being affectionate, and you refused. 


You were my friend when you refused to help me get the morning after pill. 


Guess what? I have another friend. 


This is what he told me, after a strange conversation, out of the blue. Then I tested him, and told him I get clingy, all that, got nervous, and I heard your voice and saw your words and just started shaking. Until I finally told him about you, my "friend," and all he said was that we would always be friends. 


I don't really consider him a friend though and his actions are not hurting me or cutting me to the bone. I haven't even slept with them yet. Mainly because I thought you were my friend first, and I trusted you. 


I don't really not trust my new friend. He's been....respectful? But I can't trust myself to not see you right now. To not hear your words and start acting out to see if he's being truthful. I don't want someone to get affectionate, or to confuse anyone. I don't want confusion.


I thought you were my friend.

To leave a comment, please sign in with
or or

Comments (1)

  1. dincali

    oh wow..i can relate to this. soooooo much. but i’m learning.

    May 17, 2017