actual conversation with friend

Me: I just think it's weird that all my coworkers talk about their poop a lot, like the consistency.  Friend: Oh, that's not weird. My friends and I talk about our bowel movements daily.  Me: Do you send pictures of your bowel movements to each...

Misread

Have you ever skimmed something? Then catch a phrase and freak out, trying to remember all the times you got drunk? THEN REMEMER...no there was no sex with that person.  Or wake up as your ex says, "we have to keep the baby," and you've only been...

ten dollar emergency conversation

Me: Mom, I have an emergency, I don't know what to do.  Mom: What is it? Me: I found ten dollars on the ground, and the only guy around said it wasn't his and now I have no idea what to do with it.  Mom: ...

ACTUAL CONVERSATION AT WORK

Rachel: Let's all go to Cilantro's for lunch! Elyse: Me and you? Sure! Rachel: Yeah, me and you! *THEY LEAVE* Me: ....yeah. 

an actual convo with my mom

Me: I need to find out what teenagers like for the youth summit tomorrow.  Mom: Well they like parties and fast cars, get some of that. Me: Fast cars? Mom: Fast things, teenagers still like fast things.  Me: Okay mom.  Mom: I DON'T KNOW. 

DONE

The next person who comes at me and says, "edit the cryptic notes I took," is going to get kicked. I will kick their laptop. We all live in our laptops. I need to do my actual job, not fix notes for your sorry ass.    OH MY FUCKING GOD.    ...